29 th March 2005
Chris Moon is a remarkable man. Blown apart by a land mine in Mozambique, he is now the owner of a prosthetic leg and an amazing pirate’s hook for an arm and hand. Chris is a great motivational champion for disabled and able bodied people alike by regularly competing in some the world’s most arduous endurance events, his most recent being walking from John O’Groats to Land’s End completing 52 miles each day.
“I couldn’t have done it without Routetasters - Nigel Swannerson, a really nice bloke, does everything, his team are simply superb”
It was the night of Tina’s party in London and we had been ushered into a quieter spot in the lounge.
“ I know it is a lot of money, but they are worth every penny.” Chris continued
“You might be able to get your chosen charities to absorb some of the costs, but you will have to be careful should the press get wind that not all of the money is going straight to the proper cause.”
“ I would say you honestly have no chance, if you don’t use them.
Your worst day will be Day 4, your body will be completely seized, you will not want to get out of bed, you will not be able to get out of bed. – This is where Routetasters come in – they will literally drag you out of bed, rub your legs down and prop you up until you can get moving.”
I am panicking now; perhaps we should go by bike after all.
Nicky has his video camera running, why does he always do that? He is such an anorak for that sort of thing.
What is Chris on about now? He is asking Kieran if he had problems with his stools on his recumbent Land’s End cycle ride.
“Stools did you say? – It was months before I was passing anything other than pebbles.”
Then Chris comes out with a cracker, which admittedly does catch my attention.
“OK, we are all lads here together, he continues. One of side effects of endurance events is at the end of each day when you crash out after an exhausting day is that you will be afflicted with an erection to make you light headed. This is where Routetasters come in, they think of everything.”
I am handed Routetasters final proforma invoice for £13,602.16 inclusive of accommodation, additional services and VAT.
“You know lad’s I am having this sort of out of body experience that this whole Routetaster thing has been a wind up form the very start.”
Then CLANG the penny drops.
I was never able to click through to see the sample menus on Routemaster’s web site. Kieran’s sponsorship website from his previous Land’s End - John O’Groats cycle ride had hosted a link to ‘Routetaster’ a company who specialises in the supply of backup, support, logistics and nutritional control for endurance events. Indeed many impressive sportsmen seemed keen to lend their names to Routemaster. Ian Botham, Ranulph Fiennes and Tony Hawkes to name a few, they were plastered all over the Web site – all saying pretty much the same thing; that they couldn’t have done it without Routetasters.
The company is run by Dr.Nigel Swannerson, a lovely man, as confirmed by everyone who had met him. He would advise and provide for a reasonable fee all the correct food and back up for any endurance course anywhere in the world. Ireland would be a doddle for Routetasters.
Kieran seemed keen.
Nicky said that he had found the Marks and Spencer’s sandwich he ate on a training walk had really revived him physically and mentally, and perhaps there could be something in this nutritional malarkey.
I was busy, and still couldn’t click through into their web site. Never mind it will probably come to nothing, and it was more important that I sort out and book appropriate accommodation along our route.
This was not to be straightforward as it involved studying the planed route at length and going ‘goggley-eyed’ looking at websites of hotels and inns throughout the length and breadth of Ireland. After a couple of weeks thirteen nights accommodation was sorted in what I hope will be a good mix of establishments.
“I really think we should get them to do the food,” says Kieran.
“Just the Food”
What’s he on about?
“Routetasters will do everything” he assures me.
“They will find us every day, and give us all the nutritional requirements we will need.
They will contact all the hotels and sort it all out with them. Don’t worry Graeme, they are very diplomatic – discretion itself. They know all these people, they are used to dealing with this type of situation”
What is he on about?
Nicky emails me “Have you read the menus yet? They look really great, what option do you think we should go for?”
I was so unimpressed with Kieran’s site that I had deleted it from my ‘Inbox’. I typed into Google to get ‘Routetasters’ and nothing came up, but I was too busy to worry.
“Kieran, you better send me it again.”
I remember lying in my bed mulling things over in my brain, and saying to Kay
“ If Kieran thinks Routetaster can just walk into any hotel’s kitchen and prepare a special dietary meal for us, he is in cloud-cuckoo-land!”
It wouldn’t surprise me if this whole thing is a bloody wind up.
“I’ll just talk to them and get a quote” he says “No commitment, listen, I’m the man who went from Land’s End to John O’Groats on Mars Bars and flies.
“That Dr Swannerson is a lovely man though”
“Kay, this is not what I was expecting, this bloody walk is turning into something quite different – Nicky is doing my head in about these Routetaster people. I am being hassled to pick my menus for every bloody day. This is not what I thought it was going to be like. I thought it would be simply three mates walking, struggling to get through thirty miles each day then having a couple of beers in a nice Irish pub. Now they are saying that Routetasters are on board and it is going to cost £1500 a head!”
Kieran emailed to say he had negotiated with Dr Swannerson (lovely man) and as he had been linked to his site for so long he would do us a specially reduced deal at fifteen hundred a pop. Thanks a lot Doc!
“ I know it is a lot of money lads, but I feel if we are going to do this properly it is a reasonable price to pay – but there is still no commitment, listen, I am the Mars Bar man.”
I had had a tough day in the office. Bookings weren’t great, fog had descended on the Scilly Isles stranding 40 of my punters.
The Fog descended on me that Friday night too.
“ What is up with you?” snapped Kay over supper.
“Nothing.” I lied
“Well you know, the fog, the bookings, and these Routetaster bandits are going to cost fifteen hundred quid each!”
“You’re off your head, clearly Nicky and Kieran have more money than sense”
“Look love, this is really awkward for me. You know how much I am looking forward to this walk, but it is all getting out of hand. Now they are saying that Routetasters will meet us at the side of the road, and set up a table for lunch! This is bloody ridiculous, remember when I walked the length of the River Tay, I wasn’t even hungry during the day – I didn’t want to stop!”
“Well Graeme, remember how knackered you were then? Maybe you have got to just go with it? Look, let me see the menus” Kay is doing a correspondence course to become a Nutritional Therapist and knows plenty about the benefits of good food. Routetaster’s expanded web site had said to choose from Plan A, B or C. Kay agreed that the menus looked good healthy and indeed nutritious.
“ Maybe it is about time you changed your tune, Graeme! I bet Nicky and Kieran wont be thinking about having a couple of pints of Guinness and a Lasagne and Chips!”
Thanks Kay, just what I needed to hear.
Wait a minute, does this fifteen hundred quid include accommodation costs? I bet it doesn’t. That will be another grand.
The balding Irishman spoke again to the lovely Dr Swannerson (nice fella) and a written quote is to follow.
The ‘politically correct’ radio jock is emailing like mad. “Do we really need this?” He had obviously just seen the price.
“ There is now way Tina will let Nicky spend fifteen hundred quid on this”
“What is Tina saying about this extra money?” Kay asks Nicky
“ Err she’s not getting involved”
Yea that will be right!
The amiable Doctor Swannerson’s quote duly arrived.
I remember thinking it was a pretty crappy letterhead for such a high profile company, and along with the quote a really rubbishy executive calculator, currency converter, alarm clock-type-thing fell out of the jiffy bag. What the hell is this? I pressed a button and it opened up automatically showing off Routetasters smart green logo. Another couple of buttons had an electronic jingle peeping out at me.
“ Here Angus, go play with this.” Why do companies waste so much money on useless gismos?
The letter confirmed my dread, that a chef, formerly of the Dorchester, a Nutritionalist, Pen Lam the Physio who specialises in Osteopathy and Chinese herbal massage, and Ben, the van driver (who was also a nurse) was all included in the £1500 per head.
The following day I pass my concerns on to Nicky about the accommodation not being included.
“You’re right, and I don’t think they’ll all be sleeping in the Van”
A couple of days later an inbound email brightens my day no end by saying “Hi my name is Pen Lam, I am working with Dr Swannerson for fully ten years now in the knowledge that I have over time gleaned of massage and the needs of the body and mind. I have worked with a herbal and holistic massage programme since my study in the BioSports Centre of Vancouver. Pleased to be know I am looking forward to the trip and to meeting you very much to ease your strains after what will be a toughest challenge. And just to tell you about a possible extra service I may be pleased to provide?”
Pen Lam goes on and on at length about some computerised acupuncture system she is wanting to try on us, but I can’t read it ‘cos I am laughing so much.
It seems Nicky and I are thinking along the same lines for just as I ping back to Kieran an enquiry as to what other extras she might do, Nicky has attached a photo of Pen Lam downloaded from an Asian Babes site!
Kieran is coming over all protective to the lassie’s honourable intentions, but admitted that it did come across a bit lewd, and says we don’t have to go for the Physio element.
I am listening to Nicky’s breakfast show while driving to Gloucester for a business meeting, he seems on great form. There is a lot of banter about whether Wales can win the Grand Slam in final rugby match of the series.
Ten minutes after he’s off air my mobile goes, and he is ranting away about Pen Lam again, how he thinks we should still do the food but not the Physio – we’ll need to compromise a bit. Look we can talk about this at Tina’s party. You are meeting up with Kieran before hand? Try and not to mention it until you get here, OK? - Cheery-bye.”
I briefed Kay not to talk about the Irish walk at all with Helen and somehow we got through a very pleasant couple of hours and a bottle of Champagne where it was hardly mentioned once.
Little did I know then that these children, these delinquents, these time-wasters these wind-up merchants had stage managed the whole thing right up to the point where Nicky is videoing me listening to Chris Moon talk a lot of shite, to me reading the final imaginary invoice from Routetasters.
The Bastards, I will get my revenge. The good thing is they don’t know me that well.
Should I simply step on Kieran’s toes when his blisters have blisters? Or should I cancel Nicky’s return flight from Derry to Stanstead?
Or am I not that childish?
